Monday, March 8, 2010


Here I am, ladies. It’s good to see you again.

And to all you gentlemen out there who didn’t vote for me… here I am as well. And I forgive you.

John Travolta: Sike!!!!! It’s me, John Travolta, baby, and you just got face-off’ed! Nicolas Cage will never forgive you! He’s at home crying right now.

Hey, anyway, I’m John Travolta and I am Royale-ly pissed that I came in last fucking place in the poll to host these Awards. You can all lick my bunghole, motherfuckers, as my legendary character in the remake of The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 would say. As tradition goes, I get to be here anyways to announce the Worst Fucking Film losers, before getting killed on stage. I’ve got a good feeling about that, though, because I’m pretty damn good at…

Staying Alive.


The nominees for Worst Fucking Film of the Year are…

5. The Ugly Truth by Robert Luketic.

4. Pig Hunt by James Isaac.

3. Where the Wild Things Are by Spike Jonze.

2. Eden Log by Franck Vestiel.

and the Mel Brooks goes to…

1. New York, I Love You by a whole fucking bunch of shitty, indistinguishable directors.

Also, Worst Short goes to some shit called The Soul Detective, and Worst Actor goes to Gerard Butler in The Ugly Truth, and also just in general. It’s been a pleasure, enormous audience. But now it’s time for me to put on this Abigail Breslin mask and let your host for the evening fuck me to death.

Oh hi, John Travolta as Abigail Breslin. I am pleased to have refrained from sodomizing you all these seconds in order to shoot this photo for an album cover. Everybody please check out our new album, Abby & Roman – Songs for Egypt, free with every two purchases of Old Dogs.

And now my dick is sliding up your ass like a Knife in the Water. And now it is working it’s way up your Chinatown and eviscerating your Frantic, Fearless Vampire Killers. My dick has now become detached, and your final breath of life will be spent puking it out of your Pianist.

Hello. I am Roman Polanski. You probably know me as the star of the 1976 film The Tenant, directed by Roman Polanski. You may also know me as a man who once did a very terrible thing that he openly has no regrets about. But today, that changes. Ladies and gentlemen. I, Roman Ricardo Polanski, am very sorry that Repulsion was so fucking boring.


William Sadler: Hey there, I’m Bill Sadler, and you may know me as the creepy guy or the villian from that one movie.
William Sanderson: And I’m William Sanderson from Fight for Your Life and Deadwood, or more specifically, Blade Runner.
William Sadler: But you can just call us William Sadlerson for short. HEY! What do you think about acting, Bill?
William Sanderson: It’s funny you should ask, Bill. The nominees for Best Actor are…

10. Brad Pitt in Inglourious Basterds.

9. Sacha Baron Cohen in Brüno.

8. Jackie Earle Haley in Watchmen

7. Sam Rockwell in Moon.

6. Matt Damon in The Informant!.

5. Michael Jai White in Black Dynamite.

4. Paul Rudd in I Love You, Man.

3. Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds.

2. Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover.

William Sadlerson: And the Nomi goes to…

1. Nicolas Cage in The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans!

William Sadlerson: Unfortunately, Nicolas is unavailable to pick up his Award at this time. He is still crying at home. But he sent us a message to say that for at least the next ten minutes, he will be crying tears of joy over finally actually winning a Nomi, and he sent us this crude, unrealistic photoshop of himself holding it.


Bill Paxton: We’ve met before, haven’t we?
Bill Pullman: I don’t think so. Where was it that you think we’ve met?
Bill Paxton: On the set of the movie Brain Dead, man. Don’t you remember?
Bill Pullman: No. No, I don’t. Are you sure?
Bill Paxton: Fuckin’ A, I’m sure. As a matter of fact, I’m there right now.
Bill Pullman: What do you mean, you’re where right now?
Bill Paxton: On the set of Brain Dead 2.
Bill Pullman: That’s fuckin’ crazy, man.
Bill Paxton: Call me.
Bill Pullman: Alright. But in the meantime, here are the nominees for Best Documentary

3. Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation! by Mark Hartley.

2. The English Surgeon by Geoffrey Smith.

Bill Pullman (holding a phone): Hey, this is Bill Pullman from Independence Day. I’m standing here with Bill Paxton from Streets of Fire, and he said that he was also on some movie set.
Bill Paxton (over the phone): Yup. I’m here.
Bill Pullman: How are you doing that?
Bill Paxton (over the phone): Oh, you know, just a bit of
Bill Paxton (over the phone and in person, simultaneously): Weird Science.
Bill Pullman: I’m not sure that even makes enough sense to validate such a bad joke.
Bill Paxton (both): Ok, well, the Nomi for Best Documentary goes to…

1. Anvil! The Story of Anvil by Sacha Gervasi!

I starred in a documentary once a couple of years ago. It was about cooking! Speaking of heat in the kitchen, our next guest scared the shit out of me in Howard the Duck, and our other guest is a comedic actor who I sometimes mix him up with, even though there’s only one of them that I run into at Celebrity Pedophiles Anonymous every week. It’s Jeffrey Jones and Michael McKean, everybody.

Jeffrey Jones: Nice to see you in a less awkward setting, Roman. By the way, I can’t make it to the meeting next week. Please tell Victor Salva I loved the videotape he sent me. Like, loved it loved it.
Michael McKean: I’m not sure I want to be on stage right now. You just took the creepiness level to 11.
Jeffrey Jones: Ha! Spinal Tape reference. THE BEST!
Michael McKean: Ok, well, the nominees for Best Comedy are…

5. I Love You, Man by John Hamburg.

4. Black Dynamite by Scott Sanders.

3. Observe and Report by Jody Hill.

2. Brüno by Larry Charles.

And the Nomi goes to…

1. A Serious Man by Joel & Ethan Coen!

We were supposed to have a few more presenters, but unfortunately, had to cancel the appearances of Robert Downey Jr. and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Chris Eigeman and Adam Scott, Jack Nicholson and Christian Slater, Jason Schwartzman and Jonathan Silverman, and Adolf Hitler and Charlie Chaplin. Instead, we lumped a few different categories together, and here to present that Award is William Hurt and John Heard.

John Heard: So wait, are you not related to John Hurt?
William Hurt: I don’t think so.
John Heard: I just found that out. I always thought he was your dad or something.
William Hurt: He’s only 10 years older than me. Look, no offense, I loved you as Kevin McCallister’s father, but I’d like to get this over with.
John Heard: Do you have some spider women to go make out with or something? What’s the fucking rush, dick?
William Hurt: Oh my god, I don’t even want to talk about it. The nominees for Best Animated, Sci-fi, Teen, or Crime Comedy are…

5. Bring It On: Fight to the Finish by Bille Woodruff.

4. Fantastic Mr. Fox by Wes Anderson.

3. Up by Pete Docter and Bob Peterson.

2. Moon by Duncan Jones.

William Hurt: And the Nomi goes to…

1. The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans by Werner Herzog!

My favorite musical is West Side Story. Hey. Listen, bitch. There was supposed to be a Best Music Video category this year. If there were, the winner would have been "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga, but the first runner-up would have been "Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?" by She & Him, even though it apparently came out in 2008. So here’s Zooey Deschanel and some other musician who is not as good.

Katy Perry: I saw (500) Days of Summer, and I liked it.
Zooey Deschanel: Thanks, Katy.
Katy Perry: It was my favorite movie last year that wasn’t porn. Which brings us into our category of Best Ending. My favorite movie ending is Behind the Green Door, because I, like Meryl Streep, like a lot of semen. What about you, Zooey?
Zooey Deschanel: My fave is probably the original Bad Lieutenant. The nominees for this year’s Best Ending are…

5. Crank: High Voltage.

4. The Final Destination.

3. Inglourious Basterds.

2. A Serious Man.

Zooey Deschanel: Oh, hey there, Lizzy Caplan in Cloverfield. Nice of you to join us.

Hey guys.

Katy Perry: And the Nomi goes to…

1. Drag Me To Hell!

Do you remember that song in Teen Witch about liking boys? Well, that is how I feel every time I see either of our next two guests. Please suck it in for Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg.

Michael Cera: So this is kind of a bullshit category, that they stuck us with.
Jesse Eisenberg: I agree. There are no nominees here. Just a winner for Best Cameo.
Michael Cera: Rule #16 - Have some nominees. Right? Rule 16. Like your movie.
Jesse Eisenberg: Speaking of my movie, where is the nomination, or possibly win, for the big cameo in Zombieland?
Michael Cera: I don’t see it here!
Jesse Eisenberg: This is all very disagreeable to me. I feel ill.
Michael Cera: I have a new rule for when, when something is upsetting. You should cuddle me, I think.
Jesse Eisenberg: I’ve always wanted to do that.

Jesse Eisenberg: And the Nomi for Best Cameo goes to…

1. Milo Ventimiglia as Rick Rape in Gamer!

It’s me. The cameo in Zombieland went on for too long to be considered a cameo, and instead was more like a surprise supporting role. The next category is my favorite. It’s Jean Smart and Kim Cattrall, everybuddy.

Kim Cattrall: I learned a lot about Action and Adventure on the set of Big Trouble in Little China starring Kurt Russell and Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country’s Kim Cattrall.
Jean Smart: I learned even more about Action, Adventure, and Thrillers from Designing Women. And also 24. The nominees for those things, from this year, are…

5. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 by Tony Scott.

4. Avatar by James Cameron.

3. Watchmen by Zack Snyder.

2. Star Trek by J.J. Abrams.

Kim Cattrall: Ok, stop yelling at me.
Jean Smart: What?
Kim Cattrall: Roman wants me to plug my new movie, The Ghost Writer. It’s supposed to be good.
Jean Smart: I don’t like period pieces.
Kim Cattrall: Ok, well, the Nomi for Action/Adventure/or Thriller goes to…

1. Crank: High Voltage by Mark Neveldine & Brian Taylor!

Thanks for plugging your new movie, Kim. It is a taut suspenseful thriller, full of mystery and intrigue. Allow me to pose a hypothetical question. I have never worked with our next presenters, but I have also never seen any of their movies. How about it?

Tim Thomerson: Thanks for the fucked intro, Pig.
Tom Atkins: I was not even remotely thrilled.
Tim Thomerson: Our next few nominees took the droll and cliché genre of “drama” and pumped it full of grace and splendor.
Tom Atkins: Dramatic films were choking to death. And these five films didn’t just give it the Heimlich Manuever, but they then picked up the morsel of troublesome food, put it in their mouth, finished chewing it, then spit it out into the toilet and flushed it away forever.
Tim Thomerson: The nominees for Best Drama are…

5. The Twilight Saga: New Moon by Chris Weitz.

4. The Road by John Hillcoat.

3. Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire by Lee Daniels.

2. Whip It by Drew Barrymore.

And the Nomi goes to…

1. Inglourious Basterds by Quentin Tarantino!

I like actresses, and here now to honor some actresses are the stars of the upcoming thriller movie

Gary Busey is ready to talk!


I’m very excited to be here.

Ok, so the stars of the upcoming thriller, Nolte vs. Busey, here are Nick Nolte and Gary Busey.

Nick Nolte: Some beautiful ladies in the Best Actress category this year.
Gary Busey: Our dirty host is going to cream his faggot panties over the winner.
Nick Nolte: That’s practically a spoiler.
Gary Busey: Yell at me again, Nolte, and I will crush your entire skeleton without even penetrating the skin.
Nick Nolte: Can we talk about these actresses?

10. Sarah Burns in I Love You, Man.

9. Alia Shawkat in Whip It.

8. Ellen Page in Whip It.

7. Amy Adams in Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian.

6. Amy Adams in Julie & Julia.

5. Isla Fisher in Confessions of a Shopaholic.

4. Megan Fox in Jennifer's Body.

3. Melanie Laurent in Inglourious Basterds.

2. Alison Lohman in Drag Me To Hell.

Nick Nolte: Is there anything else you want to say?
Gary Busey: I’m calm.
Nick Nolte: The Nomi goes to…
Gary Busey: You will not go to sleep tonight, Nolte. Never again, tonight.

1. Isabelle Fuhrman in Orphan!

Honorable Mentions for Best Actress are Greta Gerwig in House of the Devil, Carey Mulligan in An Education, Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air, Gabourey Sidibe in Precious, and Kristen Wiig in Whip It. Now I’ve never heard of these next two grannies. But apparently, they were both nominated for Best Actress. Here to talk us through the final category besides Best Fucking Film, I would not blame you for welcoming Amy Adams and Isla Fisher.

Amy Adams: Hey.

Amy Adams: You look unbelievable, Isla.
Isla Fisher: Amy, you’re the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.
Amy Adams: Thank you very much. Should we make out now?
Isla Fisher: No! The audience has to see our movie if they want to watch us making out, fully nude!
Amy Adams: Good point. So, as I’m sure some of you have heard, Isla and I are starring in a brand new romantic comedy about incest called Sisters with Benefits.
Isla Fisher: Two sisters, lost in a world of being too adorable, find that there is more to life than not having sex with each other.
Amy Adams: Roger Ebert says that “Paul Verhoeven’s Sisters with Benefits is a sexy and intensely bloody post-apocalyptic romantic thriller comedy. The scene of the hot redheaded sisters literally eating each other’s vaginas is pulled off with a graceful edge of humor and realism. Perfectly exploitative and wholly without pretension, Sisters with Benefits is a dick-draining masterpiece.” Without further ado, the nominees...
Isla Fisher: Or as I like to call them, the Nomi-nees.
Amy Adams: So fucking cute. The Nomi-nees for Best Horror Film are...

10. Martyrs by Pascal Laugier.

9. Paranormal Activity by Oren Peli.

8. Pontypool by Bruce McDonald.

7. Zombieland by Ruben Fleischer.

6. Sorority Row by Stewart Hendler.

5. Jennifer's Body by Karyn Kusama.

4. My Bloody Valentine by Patrick Lussier.

3. Orphan by Jaume Collet-Serra.

2. The Final Destination by David R. Ellis.

Amy Adams: And the Nomi goes to…

1. Drag Me To Hell by Sam Raimi!

Can we dim the lights? Thank you. I have nothing else to say.
Here to present The Top 25 Best Fucking Films of 2009, please watch this video of Austin Wolf-Sothern. Good night.

10. Observe and Report by Jody Hill.
9. Brüno by Larry Charles.
8. A Serious Man by Joel and Ethan Coen.
7. Whip It by Drew Barrymore.
6. Crank: High Voltage by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor.
5. The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans by Werner Herzog.
4. Orphan by Jaume Collet-Serra.
3. The Final Destination by David R. Ellis.

2. & 1. Tie: Inglourious Basterds by Quentin Tarantino and Drag Me To Hell by Sam Raimi!!!

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